Bullshit Limit Achieved: #TakeAKnee Edition

Well, that was quite a weekend of football, wasn’t it? For some unknown reason, the “President” of the United States thought it would be a great idea to suggest to NFL owners that they should fire players who choose to exercise their First Amendment rights by kneeling during the National Anthem. He even went the extra mile to refer to some as “that son of a bitch”. Presidential, to the last.

Now, let me clarify that I am not, in any way, qualified to speak on what it’s like to be black in America. I am, however, a white American who tries to listen to black voices to gain a better understanding of their life and experiences here. You know what I also listen to? What other white Americans say in response to the stories of modern day oppression of American people of color. Oh yes, I see you, too. Here are some of the things I’ve seen lately…

  • Unbridled and limitless vitriol about how the kneeling NFL players are “disrespecting” our the flag and our military.
  • Countless comments on how these “black millionaires” should be “grateful” they live here.
  • Complaints that they should “change their own circumstances before they ask others to change.”
  • Agreement with von Tweeto that the players should be fired or suspended for kneeling.

Fabulous, right? Now, let’s look at these points…

  • You say they’re “disrespecting” the flag and the military, right? That’s odd, because I don’t recall any of you folks saying how disrespectful to our flag and military it was for literal Nazis to be marching in Charlottesville. Why is that?
  • You say the players should be “grateful”. I’m sure they are, but you’re clearly not considering the fact that these millionaire athletes are using their platform to speak on behalf of the millions of Americans who don’t have that fame.
  • You say they should “change their own circumstances”? You and I both know you’re blowing that “black on black crime” racist dog whistle, and every time you do, I, like the man with the barbed wire-wrapped baseball bat, will shut that shit down.
  • You say you agree they should be fired or suspended? I don’t remember seeing you say the same for the Nazis in Charlottesville. What’s the difference? I wonder.

The bottom line is this: each and every time my fellow white Americans show your true feelings towards Americans of color, I see you. We all do. I also don’t forget. Do better.

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Captain von Trapp would be so disappointed.

One of my favorite GIFs on the web is the one of Captain von Trapp, finally home from his month-long honeymoon only to find that the Anschluss had occurred in his absence, and the flag of the Third Reich now hangs on his home. In this epic GIF, Captain von Trapp is tearing the Nazi rag in half, and dramatically so. Hope you've had a nice time shagging the (former) nun, Captain, because shit's about to get real.

Clearly, there are those in America who fancy themselves as patriots who haven't learned the lessons that the Greatest Generation lost so much to teach: Nazis are bad, mmmkay? Unfortunately, there are a lot of those pseudo-patriots who took themselves down to Charlottesville this weekend to rally in the defense of a racist, treasonous relic of the Civil War, namely, a statue of Robert E. Lee. What's worse is how they've been emboldened by the support they feel that they're getting from the current POTUS and his administration.

These vermin call themselves American patriots, and yet they fly the colors of enemies that real American patriots have already vanquished. These traitors marched through the streets carrying both Confederate and Nazi flags, and seeking to restore America's greatness by invoking Nazi ideology on her soil. These are the miscreants who believe that white men are the most oppressed demographic in the United States, and they are the leading the revolution to secure their rightful place in American society.

Please.

American greatness is found in our country's diversity. In our welcoming of those from other lands. In our willingness to help those in need. In our belief in truth, justice, and freedom for ALL. American greatness is diminished by the targeting of "others", whether it be for their religion, sexual orientation, immigration status, gender identity, race, or county of origin. American greatness is diminished by the building of walls. American greatness is diminished when he who holds the highest office in the land refuses to condemn the views and actions of literal Nazis on American soil, because those Nazis are the heart and soul of his base.

If you are a person who calls yourself an American and fancy yourself a patriot, but you've either chosen not to condemn literal Nazis marching in Virginia, or you've decided to play the "both sides" game, even when a literal Nazi carried out a terrorist attack with his very American Dodge Charger, just what in the actual fuck is the matter with you?

It's quite simple, really. For me, I'm with Captain von Trapp.

So much bullshit, so little time.

Recently, a conservative-leaning friend posted a political cartoon mocking how progressives act when it comes to choice.  The gist was, the only choice progressives care about is if we can freely murder babies (I’m paraphrasing), but they want to outlaw anyone else’s choices.  Charming.  Once I finished my eye roll and prepared to continue scrolling, I noticed a mutual friend had commented.  

It was one paragraph, but holy hell was there a lot of venom and hyperbole packed into it.  I read it a couple of times in an attempt to wrap my head around what this guy is actually saying.  I decided to unbox it, point-by-point…

1. “EXACTLY.”
— The use of all caps tells me this cartoon spoke to him on a visceral level.

2. “The left doesn’t believe in ‘choice.’ In fact, they HATE choice. They use that word for killing children…”
— Ah, here’s where we’re painted as baby killers.  I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s never even wondered as to why a woman would make that choice, and he doesn’t get that a decision that painful and personal is none of the government’s business.  Nope, his interpretation of the 2000 year old book he blindly follows tells him it’s wrong, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

3. “…but they’re against your right to choose to own a gun (which is in the freaking Constitution, by the way)…”
— Yes, I’ve read the Constitution (and the Federalist Papers regarding the Second Amendment, which explain exactly what the Founders meant by “A well regulated militia…”).  Get your panties out of a knot, no one is trying to ban guns.  Sheesh.

4. “…pick where your child goes to school…”
— I’m all for school choice.  If you *choose* to send your kid to a private school, *you* should pay for it. 

5. “…rent to whom you choose, serve or not serve who you choose at your place of business…”
— Oh, so you think it’s cool that people should be legally permitted to discriminate against other people.  Good to know.  Let me know how you feel when your daughter is refused service in a Muslim-owned business because she’s not following their rules or some other nonsense.  I’m not so sure that you’ll be supporting the “religious freedom” of *that* business owner.

6. “…choose the mascot of your choice for your sports team…”
— Sure, because American minority groups should be honored that people are still defending the racist characatures that are used for fun an profit in our sports leagues.  Thumbs up, I’m sure.

7. “The left hates choice, unless it’s their choice.”
— Eye roll for days dot JPEG. 🙄

I guess a reaction such as this is my fault for not empathizing enough with the plight of the straight, white, Christian-American male.  You know, those guys who still seem to make all the rules, but are the most persecuted demographic in America.  Sorry, my bad.  I’ll try harder, I promise. 🤞🏻

Decision 2020: #MLT2020

Normally, if I heard someone start talking about the next presidential election within two months of the last inauguration, I’d consider lighting them on fire.  But, as the first two months of the von Tweeto administration has shown us, THIS SHIT ISN’T NORMAL.

As we sit and watch the ever growing dumpster fire in DC, many Democrats, like myself, wonder who will be out standard bearer in 2020.  Cory Booker?  Julian or Joaquin Castro?  Caroline Kennedy?  We simply don’t know, and as our shock and horror grows watching von Tweeto and his buddies, I thought to myself… Christ, my left tit could do a better job than this asshole.

THAT’S IT.  

Sure, I know it sounds crazy, but there are a lot of upsides to My Left Tit:

  • My Left Tit believes in equality for everyone.
  • My Left Tit thinks we need to invest in infrastructure.  We can’t have sagging bridges.
  • My Left Tit doesn’t have any shady foreign entanglements to worry about.
  • My Left Tit believes in a robust public education system.
  • My Left Tit doesn’t talk like the comment section of a Breitbart article.  In fact, My Left Tit would never say anything that would make David Duke happy.
  • My Left Tit believes in climate change, and thinks we should lead the world in combating it.

See, My Left Tit is the perfect candidate, and a long way better than the boob that’s currently occupying the Oval Office.

So remember: Vote My Left Tit in 2020.  Let’s put a better boob in the White House.

Official Internet Argument Disclaimer 

When I get involved in an internet argument with someone (usually some dude, 40+, who identifies as a “straight, white Christian”), these folks follow roughly the same playbook. It starts with hurling the liberal label at me as though it’s an insult, followed by accusations that either I hate my country and love terrorists, or that I am a proponent of infantcide (depending on the argument), and generally ends with dismissive memes or statements that stop just short of name calling. Adorable.
Allow me to save you all some trouble…

When it comes to being referred to as a liberal, I consider that a compliment, asshole. You can’t insult me with that self-applied label. Besides, as much and as often as you’ve probably told me about your “Christian faith and/or values”, I’m surprised you’ve never noticed that Jesus was a pretty liberal guy, too.
Next, when discussing matters related to women’s reproductive health and wellbeing, what you believe is irrelevant. I personally give exactly zero fucks on how the interpretation of the Bible that you choose to follow has molded your views of abortion. It is a safe, legal medical procedure, and it should be available to any woman who chooses it. How fucking dare you think that your religious beliefs, over the beliefs of every other citizen, should shape our laws, especially when it comes to such a personal decision? Nah, fuck that.
You can copy and paste that last paragraph and replace “abortion” with “gay marriage”, “trans rights”, and any other legislation you want based on your religion. Nope.
Lastly, if we’re discussing President von Tweeto’s latest xenophobic and/or racist executive order, please know I have actually researched the refugee resettlement process, and I’m not worried about Syrian refugees. Also, if you’re going to hit me with some bullshit about priorities involving the needs of homeless vets, I ask that you kindly let me know how many homeless vets you’ll be moving into your house to back up your convictions. Thanks in advance.
If you’ve made it this far, perhaps now we can try to have a fact-based discussion.

Probably not, though, but it was worth a shot.

A letter to my granddaughter…

Well, hello there, Sara Jane!  Look at you, all squishy and brand new.  Adorable.

Look, I’ve got some expectations to set with you, so let’s get started…

First, Grandma likes to swear – a lot.  There is going to come a time where you may question my ability to form a complete sentence.  This is normal, just ask your mom and Aunt Zarah.  I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to tell you about it.

Next, Grandma is a nerd, like, big time.  I have a whole lot of nerd toys that, to be completely honest, you’re not going to get to play with.  To be fair, even I don’t play with these toys…I just like to look at them.  Don’t worry, I’m sure Grandpa and I will have plenty of toys here that you will be able to play with, just, uh, not these ones.

While we’re being honest, when you are old enough, Grandpa and I are going to spoil the ever loving shit out of you when we take you to our favorite place on earth, Disney World.  You want Mickey Ears?  Done.  Bibbity Bobbity Boutique?  You bet.  Jedi Training Academy?  OH HELL YESSSSSSS.

To be sure, I would never try to tell you that everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, but you should always know that you are loved by a whole bunch of people, no matter what.

Now, rest up, young padawan, you’ll be enrolled in Jedi Training Academy in about seven or eight years, and you’ll need your strength.

Love, 

Your super young Grandma.

Good riddance, 2016.  Happy New Year, Bitches!

Tonight, we all get to watch as 2016 finally dies as it gives birth to 2017.  Here’s to hoping that next year is a helluva lot better than this one was.  Enjoy some Garth Brooks lyrics…

The Change

One hand 
Reaches out 

And pulls a lost soul from harm 

While a thousand more go unspoken for 

They say what good have you done 

By saving just this one 

It’s like whispering a prayer 

In the fury of a storm 
And I hear them saying you’ll never change things 

And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing 

But it’s not the world that I am changing 

I do this so this world will know 

That it will not change me 
This heart 

Still believes 

The love and mercy still exist 

While all the hatred rage and so many say 

That love is all but pointless in madness such as this 

It’s like trying to stop a fire 

With the moisture from a kiss 
And I hear them saying you’ll never change things 

And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing 

But it’s not the world that I am changing 

I do this so this world will know 

That it will not change me 
As long as one heart still holds on 

Then hope is never really gone 
I hear them saying you’ll never change things 

And no matter what you do it’s still the same thing 

But it’s not the world that I am changing 

I do this so this world we know 

Never changes me 
What I do is so 

This world will know 

That it will not change me